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Sunday, 17 April 2016

Egoic Banana Skins

Magical Horse is convalescing after having her “wolf” teeth (no, the equine denist doesn’t know why they’re called that either) removed. Bored, the Magical Horse has taken the opportunity to look at my CV. Thinking this may be a breakthrough for us, I watch with anticipation as she flicks through the pages. ?Heath visitor, specialist nurse, HIV/Aids trainer....she wrinkles her muzzle and crosses her hooves, leans back. Senior NHS manager, clinical coordinator with post grad course in medicine....she yawns, starts doodling with a piece of hay. 

?Degree in herbal medicine in my forties, whilst running family home, teenagers and managing enormous vegetable plot, Herbalist, has run two businesses, ....uncrosses her hooves and crosses them the other way. “Well?” I prompt. Magical Horse yawns again, says “The thing is, this all looks like very predatorial behaviour to me, whereas you forget I’m a prey animal who already has a boss mare”. She’s quite right. Any worldly achievements have come from engaging my male energy, which in her eyes makes me a predator. “What about being all those power point talks I’ve given to two hundred plus people”...starts chewing her tail, rolls her eyes “I haven’t seen much evidence of confidence, or leadership frankly”. Farts and moves off towards her lead mare in the herd. 

This natural horsemanship method requires, above all, presence and clarity. Awareness of ones energy, of every glance and slightest movement and knowledge that Magical Horse is monitoring every single bit of energy in every single moment. It may have been easier to take up sitting meditation. 

Thanks to my friend, Julie and her flower essence remedies, the confidence, quite badly knocked during this bout of illness, is returning. And the gift of illness always being to learn more about oneself. For instance, my ridiculous difficulty in asking for, no, damn it, even knowing what I need. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and needy (cringe..even to write it!) and to ask people for help.

This got me in trouble the night I came home from the intense two day, total of eight hour dental surgery and crunching out of jaw bone infection, legacy of the sixties “drill and fill” dental ethos.  Arranged at short notice, we couldn’t cancel Lovely Mans’ work in time, meaning he went abroad, and I came home alone in a taxi. I failed to tell my adult children to keep their phones on. Result,  with extreme pain and swelling that night, and unable to get hold of a Doctor, taxi, kids, friends or even ex-husbands various, I ended up driving myself to A and E at two am, high on codeine and in my pyjamas.

My mother would have deeply disapproved of the pyjamas. A sweet woman who role models were Princess Grace and the Queen, she had her hair newly set for the last time, twenty three years ago, in blissful unawareness she’d be
dead by teatime the next day. Having also changed into best clothes before the Doctor called, she then slipped without fuss into a coma, managing to arrive in the resuscitation room elegantly dressed and hair beautifully coiffed.

In contrast, not only was I in A and E in some cruddy top, pyjama bottoms and slippers, with hair stuck up in a point, but they were my christmas reindeer pyjamas. With snowflakes. Intense pain and codeine will do that to a person. Laying across at least three chairs, I was reminded also how much my mother disapproved of the Greenham Common women, “It’s so unfeminine, all that lying down in the road”. 

Having seen a kind young Doctor (yes, I've reached the age where doctors and policemen, and all authority figures are now young enough to be my children) and attempted to reassure him I was fine to drive (whilst speaking through the codeine at a third of my normal speed), I wasn’t sure how the hell I would get home. I went through the whole process again of trying and failing to get hold of kids, friends and ex husbands various (amicable relationships with previous husbands should surely allow for the occasional collection from hospital in the wee hours?), the got in the car and drove home.

Presenting this ridiculously competent, non needy facade to the world for fifty six years, means you will manifest precisely all that goes with it, as above. Family, mortified, rallied round the next day, bringing pain relief, taking me to yet another emergency dentist for continuing pain, feeding me, but I’m very aware that on that night, I manifested what I’d put out.... ‘ I’m supremely confident and competent, don’t ever really need looking after, I am the rock everyone can lean on”. 

Oh the marvelous banana skins our ego creates for us.......



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